I’m back. Its been a year, but I’m back. In fact, I’ve been thinking about writing this post for weeks now, but it has taken me a long time to gather the courage to do so. I’m not a fan of big, overly emotional confessions, but I do have to admit that I have not been entirely honest with myself on this blog.
I presented myself as a far healthier and more put together than I actually am. Not to say that I didn’t allude to my past problems with exercise addition and disordered eating, but I certainly didn’t admit my current struggles. The honest truth is, I am in no way recovered. In fact, I may be worse than ever. This is what brings me back.
My life has changed significantly in the last 18 months. I left a dangerous and abusive relationship, spent about 6 months dating around and being a bit “crazy” and eventually settled down into a healthy, supportive and amazing relationship with M. We adopted our crazy cat Ellie and moved in together. M and I share a love of exercise, specifically weight lifting, and both work in the same industry.
All this sounds great, and it is, but underneath the surface I’ve been storming. The same old demons of disordered eating, binge-purge cycles, and excessive exercise are desperately trying to poke through the surface and I work each and every day to fight back. Some days are better than others, and some days I fail, but I have a plan and I’m working towards a goal.
I hope that by re-opening this blog, I can express my fear, anxiety, failures and hopefully successes as I try to recover and become the healthiest, happiest person I can be. I hope that anyone reading this will remember a few things: First, I am imperfect. I make mistakes, I fall off the wagon and back into dangerous cycles, but I always try my best to get back up. Second, I am not advocating my lifestyle, my recovery or my training. This is what is working (currently) for me and if it fails to remain a successful plan, I will change it. Finally, I’m not going to censure myself. I’m fully aware that many things I say may be triggering, and I apologize in advance, but I need to be honest about my feelings. Its the only way this blogging will be beneficial to me.
Here it goes….I’m back and I’m starting over. Day 1.